Loss..

Dear shinazi,

When you left.. I was strong.. I knew I would be okay… I knew that this is life.. People come and people go.. I knew I was going to be okay.. I was positive I was going to be okay… I was okay… But now… more than a year later … I realized that it was so easy to be amazing when you were around… It was so easy to be a good student, a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter… But now… I realized that the real test is being all that without you around… That was the test… I failed the test… I failed you… I don’t recognize myself.. I don’t remember my old self.. And I don’t want to do anything about anything… Having an amazing family and friends can’t cover up the fact that I’m a big disappointment.. You used to always tell me how proud you were of me… I don’t think you would feel that way now… I hate how much I miss you! No one understands! I feel like a kid and no one understands! Khalas ya3ne I’m supposed to be over it! I try my best to just be normal but I’m not normal.. There are many things I never told you! I never told you that ur phone calls used to make my day.. I never told you how much your love kept me out of trouble… I never told you that I never needed anyone else.. I never told you that I still watch “the Rock” and remember how u never got to watch the whole movie.. We used to always make fun of you! Or about “Rain Man”, when we had the scene mal Dustin Hoffman and Tom cruise bel phone booth! Athkerrrr laiman u CRIED mn el the7ek! I never told you how much you made me laugh when you used to wake us up mn el nom by doing that crazy massage of yours eli chenna earthquake.. I never told you how much i loved that old 90s nike training suit even though kent a3ayebb 3alaik wayedd.. I never told you that when kent you hold my hand while netmasha in London… how safe that made me feel.. Even though I was nineteen… how my friends used to make fun of me… When I used to watch romantic movies and say, “abiii a7ad e7ebni..” You would come and open ur arms and say, “ana a7ebech..” I used to say, “mabeek t7ebni”… I never told you that it was enough.. Your love was enough… Its all I ever needed… I never told you how you meant the whole world to me.. I’m screwed up bedonek baba! Madre shasawi.. Yubba u always had the answers yubba madre shasawi! Yubba ana thay3a.. ana ta3bana bedonek I need you to be here.. Yubba abe akalmek.. I need you to tuck me in bed.. … Everyone is taking care of me bss yubba they can’t replace you! Wainek! I wanna see you! Just one more time.. They took you away… I didn’t even say good bye.. All I wanted to do is hug you just one more time,… Just tell you ennaa You were enough… I never needed anything else.. You were enough… you were my hero.. you were and always will be the number one man in my life… You raised me and taught me how to be me… I was good.. I was great.. I used to see the pride in your eyes when you saw me… I’m sorry that I’m nothing without you… I’m sorry I failed you…