Monday, January 16, 2012


Sitting at work today, I find myself strangely distracted
I’m usually full of energy and focus but today I lacked it

I keep thinking of a single memory, probably eleven years back
It isn’t quite like a memory actually, it’s more of a vivid flashback

We were twelve, my friends and I, soaked in the basketball court
It was raining heavily that day, not the usual sprinkle or of the sort

We were running, and sliding together, headfirst into the ground
We knew we’d get in trouble that day, to happen it was definitely bound

We didn’t care though, because together we were having so much fun
No regrets after a smile, we’d got what we wanted, what’s done is done

It’s probably weird right? Remembering the details of a day so eventless
But there’s a reason behind my feelings for that day, a love so very endless

You see, that day I paused and looked around at the people I called my friends
I knew at once, those were the people for whom I’d go to the farthest ends

Its been a decade since then, yet my heart has never loved them more than it does today
The ones who are still here in my life, and even the ones I’ve lost along the way

The thing with me is that once I’ve cared, I’ll probably care till the end of time
If I saw you in one moment of truth, my heart will forgive you in any moment of crime

I’m not an easy judge of character though, nor am I easily impressed
But once I’ve got it right, they’ll have my loyalty, at its very best

So if I remember details about you, don’t relate it to a memory of mine so great
I only recollect the specifics of a milestone that changed the means of my fate

That’s why I’m thinking of you, sitting at work so very distracted
You changed my life, you gave me focus, when before you, I lacked it

Saturday, January 14, 2012

I'm Back!

In honor of me coming back... I dedicate this post to the only person who I think gives a shit if i'm back or not! Yoomi;** MAN! I miss writing so much! It has been about two years! I've been reading old posts and I can really say EVERYTHING has changed and NOTHING has changed... If that's possible.

First of all, I was going to change the name of this blog because I felt it didn't match how I'm feeling at the moment. Only to realize I AM in fact still captivated... By the PURE CRAP that is HOW this world is working these days. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been this happy in the past 6 years, maybe... I haven't been this FAT either. Oh well now i'm rambling and without sense. It's almost 1 am and I have work tomorrow. Yes I work... In the most amazing place in the world. That was me being sarcastic, just in case you're too nice and positive to sense a genuine cynic's dry sense of humor.

Yes I have become a bitter person who is willing to pay REAL money to be entertained by her friends' turmoil. The other day, I made my friend eat three mouthfuls of nutella all at once, for 100 KD. She did suffer! I swear it was almost worth it. However, after she did lawfully earn the 100 KD, I found out that my other friends all would have done it for free. Subsequently, I have earned the title, a term we use in Kuwait: SAIDA. It's okay, I still think it was worth it. Problem is, my friend has found a liking to the fact that i'm willing to pay, and I have found a liking to the fact that she's willing to play. Wow that rhymed... Hmmm, and sounded a bit like i'm hiring a prostitute. Anyway, point is, next time I'm making her eat a tub of butter or I ain't paying SHIT!

I wish the world peace and happiness.


Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Last One;*

There is a single source of light in the darkness that surrounds your helpless body. You're curled up as the pain is restraining your every attempt to move. The bruises, the loss of breath, the ache, the broken parts, and the migraines are only symptoms of a much graver disease. The water doesn't rinse, but infact burns your wounds as it streams down your face. There is no hope nor will there ever be a solution.

You have all been there. I know I have.

The source of light is coming from the laptop you allow to lay beside you while you pretend you're sleeping. The "pain" that keeps you curled up under those covers is a reminder of the wrong decisions you made that placed you in your predicament. The "symptoms" you're feeling are indeed indications of the gravest disease of all, depression. Finally, that voice inside you that reminds you "there's no hope," is the malignant tumor in all of us, that will spread and completely destroy us... If we let it get that far.

IF we let it get that far.

The key to all your problems seems easy, within reach, and very simple. However, I am first to attest its the hardest thing a human can ever do. Nevertheless, it IS the cure.

Letting Go.

For once, I'm not going to lecture you or try to give any advice. I'm here on my own account, for my own reasons, to cure myself from the negativity I have allowed to ruin everything great about who I am. I want to get something off my chest, something I never told even the closest people, to fully let it go... To fully recieve the life that I deserve.

Here it goes...

For nineteen years , I have had a perfect life. I had perfect grades. I had perfect friends. I had a perfect family. You can say I was extremely emotionally spoiled. I'm the youngest of my siblings and my father never failed to treat me like one. Every demand I made was possible. Every cry for attention was heard. Every topic I discussed was taken seriously. Every flaw I had was never seen. My only job was to have morals, be a good friend, join every extracurricular activity, and get the perfect grades.

My father, my hero, my best friend... The man who loved me more than life itself. The man who looked into my eyes like I was his proudest accomplishment...

Two years ago, he was laying helplessly in the hospital. Something changed. He was always angry with me. He was always agitated by my presence. He was short tempered with me. When he was too tired, I was the only one he asked to go home. My mother would call me and say, "uboch ta3ban elyom ma yabi eshof a7ad fa latyeen..." I'd ask if all of my other siblings were there, and they were. I used to massage his feet like he loved for the past million years. He would say, "la 3adi, ukhoch behamezni.."

All I ever had with him was our long conversations and the bond that no one else shared. I wasn't his son that could help him with the intimate things, nor was I his doctor daughter that could help him understand the situation. I was the chatty one and he was too tired to listen. My role was done. One day, I was the pride in his eyes. The next day, I was the kid.

I resented it. I resented that the last feeling my father had toward me was resentment. I was angry at my poor sick fragile father. I began to spend less time at the hospital and more time with my friend's German Shepherds. They were the therapy I needed to help me endure only three hours of torment with my father. My brothers... My sister... They all warned me he was dying soon... That I should spend more time with him and less time with my friends. They said I was being selfish. They didn't understand. It was hard to see him look at me and not be his little girl anymore.

It hit me... That I'm stupid... I decided to spend more hours with him. Little did I know, that it would be the last week.

He looked at me like a helpless child, and said, "You're identicle to me... Kel shay zain ana sawaita eb 7ayati, ashofa feech. 7abeebti ana mo za3lan 3alaich... ana ta3baaan."

The last day, I read Quran out loud for him... He woke up. I said I love you. He nodded and mouthed "me too." He then went into a coma.

I wasted the last two months of our time together... I wasted it being a spoiled child. Nineteen years of my life with him are ruined by the stains of the last two months. I didn't do enough. I didn't help enough. I was so selfish. Why do people think I'm nice? I only think of myself and my own happiness. I neglected the man that dedicated his LIFE for my happiness. I've been carrying this guilt with me everywhere I go. I never celebrate my birthday, nor do I allow myself to fully enjoy anything. Its been paralyzing me from committing, persevering, and ultimately reaching any potential I'm worth.

Until now...

My mother looked at me last night and said... "Laiman uboch kan mareth akher shahrain, allah yur7uma, he was so happy enich you were doing well bel jam3a. Kan 7adda mestanes enich ma tabcheen wetghalgeen. e7eb rab3echh wayed, le2anna kanaw enasonech wekhalonech tadreseen oo tyebeenla akhbar 7elwa.."

I said, "laish uboy kan za3lan 3alay oo ma yabeni ag3ad 3nda wayed methel khwani?"

She said, "Entay kentay dayman his baby. Yadre enich tshofena hero. Ma yabeech tshofena th3eef oo mareeth oo yabchi oo khayef. Kan e7are9 3alaina enich matkonen mawjoda wayed 3ashan ur memory of him tkon a7san."

I know deep down inside, my father loved me more than life itself, even as he took his very last breath... Deep down inside... But every child who has lost a parent, carries this guilt. You can be the perfect child, till the very end, yet still carry this guilt. I can't explain it... But I do want to let it go...

By confessing this personal matter to practically everyone, strangers too, I'm letting go.

I'm keeping the love... But I'm letting go of the resentment, the anger, the confusion, the nightmares, the excuses, the blame, and the guilt...

This is the last thing I will post on this blog. I started it because writing is my therapy... I don't need it anymore because I'm moving on.

My last words....

Let go of the people who broke your hearts
Let go of the people you miss but are gone
Let go of the possessions you lost and will never find again
Let go of the anger and bitterness you feel toward people

Forgive... Let go of despair... Hold on to faith...

Its the only cure.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

A challenge...

I have challenged myself this year to complete a novel... I haven't written a full novel since the eleventh grade... Which is five years ago... I'm happy to say that I have just completed chapter four... Yaay for me...

I'm also extremely happy to see that another girl has challenged herself in 2010... Her challenge, for once, isn't your usual new year resolutions of losing weight, getting better grades, and all that crap no one actually does... She challenged herself to stay on a raw vegan diet for the 365 days in 2010... Wow... a challenge that is actually CHALLENGING...

Since I know that I WOULDN'T EVER complete her challenge, u can imagine how impressed I am by her drive... Mashalla... I'm blogging about this because I'm sure if you all read her blog, you would be extremely inspired to go ahead with your own challenges... Also, having support from people makes a hard trip worthwhile...

You'll enjoy it... I'm POSITIVE;*

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Not worth it...

I'm in a phase in my life where everything seems so clear. I feel that I have drastically grown up in the past couple of months... I'm executing every plan I had previously decided upon and i'm getting closer by the second to reaching my goal... As I get closer and closer to what I want, I realize that it doesn't mean anything if you weren't here to share it with. I miss you, friend. I'm grateful you still care about my wellbeing.

"Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years."

"A friend is someone with whom you dare to be yourself."

I'll always be your friend... Keep doing great man and keep making me proud. Goodnight;*

Monday, December 14, 2009

Getting to know you tag...

Thaaank you confessions for tagging me;* Wanasa awal marra i get tagged.

1- Whats ur fav Disney movie of all time?

Akeed... Beauty and the Beast... Its the only disney movie that still gives me goosebumps and I learn something new every time I watch it. Also, it reminds me of one of my best friends who I miss very much.

2-Your favorite Disney song?

- Tale as old as time
- Kiss the girl (from The Little Mermaid)

3- Your top 3 favorite things to watch as a kid?

- Boy Meets World
- Full House
- 7th Heaven

Waayhh I miss those shows!

4- Your funniest badliya?

Wayed age6 badleyat bss ya3ne I'm sure my best friend would STRONGLY agree on:
- Simij (ya3ne semach)

Oo also laiman adares a7ad wandemej.. mathalan:
- Bri6in (Ya3ni Britain oo Brai6anya eb nafs el wagt)

5- The most creative way you can say "salam":

- Laiman asalim I always arfa3 eedi oo a9eer silent for some reason.
- Me and my sister say: Mogonda7 (for goodnight) and Bukhnadesombung (for goodmorning)... ee we're kinda strange.

6- If you could had to call your baby boy & girl American names, what would you choose?

hmmm... Taylor and Summer... (Just thought of them)

7- Your favorite teen actor and actress?

I have to agree with confessions here and say eli emathel Jacob Black! He totally made the movie worth watching.. I have no idea why hot guys don't walk around topless more often.

Oo girl actress, hmm... She isn't a teenager, she's our age bss she plays a teenager in 90210, Tate Duncan... Does that count?

8- Top 4 visited websites

- Youtube (ana akthar wa7da bedenya I use it lol)
- Twitter
- Facebook
- Google (I google wayed)

9- The youtube video you recommend the most?

I watch many movies, TV shows, Music videos eb Youtube, so i'd recommend everything.

10- Do you say Shakar or Shakir?


11- Do you play a musical instrument & what is it?

- I used to play the Trumpet... and i was pretty good too.

12- Who is the person you'd want to meet the most?

I guess it wouldn't hurt to meet paul walker.

13- Your most prized possession:

- My friends and family (yes they belong to ME! I have abandonment issues)

14- The word " scrumptious" makes you feel?

- It makes me feel sick... Because I pictured doughnuts and I'm SO FULL 7aliyan...

15- The song that reminds you of summer the most is?

Summer Jam For sure! I always imagine a beach nearby when i listen to it...

Monday, November 30, 2009

Its MY time...

I have just realized what it really means to love yourself... For the past two years, I have been falling further and further down, hitting rockbottom only to find a newer rock bottom... It was SO hard, almost impossible, to decide to fix my life... I didn't know where to start... One day, I just decided to FIX IT!


The decision to fix my life, the drive behind this decision, has pushed me to happiness... I lost some weight, I remember how to study again, I am able to have FUN... el7emdelaaa... Life is good...

I have made many stupid decisions, decisions that put me under the 'pathetic loser' category... But I don't regret it... If i regret those decisions, its as if i'm regretting being me... And I love me... This is who I am... If I don't like you, I won't hurt you, I would just be indifferent... But if I love you, I won't ever be too proud to show you that I love you... I love my family, I love my friends, I love people... Even those who hurt me, Even those who dislike me, there's plenty of love here...

A month ago, I used to feel sorry for the fat girl that the mirror reflected... She disgusted me... I actually envied those girls who just had LOOKS, the girly girls guys liked, even if they were airheads and drama queens...

Now, I look at the mirror, I see ME... genius, strength, faith, loyalty, and a heart that won't ever stop loving...

The extra weight is fading away, and when that happens in a couple of months, even superwoman will have to watch out...

On April 24th 2008, my life broke into tiny little pieces...

On August 24th 2008, An angel put those pieces back together... And for that angel, I will always be grateful...

I can't repay my Angel, but I can pay it forward... And i promise that i will try my best to help anyone in need... I will always love people and consider their happiness... I also promise, that I will help myself first...