Its MY time...

I have just realized what it really means to love yourself... For the past two years, I have been falling further and further down, hitting rockbottom only to find a newer rock bottom... It was SO hard, almost impossible, to decide to fix my life... I didn't know where to start... One day, I just decided to FIX IT!

Miracle...

The decision to fix my life, the drive behind this decision, has pushed me to happiness... I lost some weight, I remember how to study again, I am able to have FUN... el7emdelaaa... Life is good...

I have made many stupid decisions, decisions that put me under the 'pathetic loser' category... But I don't regret it... If i regret those decisions, its as if i'm regretting being me... And I love me... This is who I am... If I don't like you, I won't hurt you, I would just be indifferent... But if I love you, I won't ever be too proud to show you that I love you... I love my family, I love my friends, I love people... Even those who hurt me, Even those who dislike me, there's plenty of love here...

A month ago, I used to feel sorry for the fat girl that the mirror reflected... She disgusted me... I actually envied those girls who just had LOOKS, the girly girls guys liked, even if they were airheads and drama queens...

Now, I look at the mirror, I see ME... genius, strength, faith, loyalty, and a heart that won't ever stop loving...

The extra weight is fading away, and when that happens in a couple of months, even superwoman will have to watch out...

On April 24th 2008, my life broke into tiny little pieces...

On August 24th 2008, An angel put those pieces back together... And for that angel, I will always be grateful...

I can't repay my Angel, but I can pay it forward... And i promise that i will try my best to help anyone in need... I will always love people and consider their happiness... I also promise, that I will help myself first...

Goodnight;*

Bad bad bad decisions...

Ana weddi afham shay... When i'm faced with two choices, and my really really really smart brain tells me which path to follow, WHY don't I LISTEN TO IT!? Whyyy do i always choose the STUPID STUPID STUPID choice! Laish ma asma3 kalaaaaaaaaammm nafsi.. Why do i ALWAYS follow my heart.. STUPID STUPID heart... Ya nass mn elyom oo raye7 ... Think with ur head and care about 3 things,

1) SUCCESS
2) ENDORPHINS
3) FUN

SCREW EVERYTHING ELSE...

Its been a while..

ullaah mn zeman mo katba shay... Actually mn zeman mo 7asa enni i needed to write anything.. Elyom my cousin told my sister enha 7almana eb uboy... oo zebdat el 7elm enna my dad was za3lan 3alaina bel 7elm... Fasart el 7elm eb kaifi oo 7asait enna for some reason mo rathi 3alaina cuz its been a while since i visited him bel magbara.. It really has been a while... So bacher e9eb7 gabel el dawam lazem aro7... I miss him;***

I hate men... So i'm withdrawing forever... And i hate girls so that rules out lesbianism... So my new plan is enni i drop out of jam3a, ahajer waro7 Cuba washteri a crappy saikal, and live in a portable tent... Ofcourse i shall ruin every means of communication... EXILE! I might allow only 5 people to know my whereabouts. I will buy a boat to go fishing to make some money, won't need much... And i will live happily ever after.

Winter breeze...

The beautiful winter breeze is soon visiting our land
I can feel it close by when outside on the balcony I stand

It is my favorite place to be this time in the year
Its calm, peaceful, beautiful, and there's nothing to fear

I sit, cover myself with a blanket, and gather my every thought
No one can disturb the serenity, which is what i always sought

Its different this time, I find myself lost and confused
My thoughts aren't comforting anymore, I'm rarely amused

I know I have complained and battled my inner self many a time
I myself don't understand why I have fallen before i ever tried to climb

Its time that those who love me, give up too on who i can become
My discontent will push them away, To my mediocrity I should just succumb

I know that in the end, it is only I, who's expectations were never met
But no man likes to associate himself with a loser who wastes time being upset

Oh how I wish everything can be fixed in just the blink of an eye
That's how lazy I am, wishing for an easy way out, I don't know why

I fully understand now how no man has ever fallen for me
I don't blame them, Not even I can look at a mirror and stand the reflection I see

The problem here is that I'm smart and I know I can just fix it all
I don't need advice nor an intervention, I already got the wake up call

My greatest fear is my insecurities might cost me those i love the most
I have already become a burden, I'm sure they're already grossed

Its because of them I can smile everyday, and have a shred of hope and drive
Hope that someday I might be the person I want to be, the person that would strive

Meanwhile, I gather my thoughts on the balcony, hug my knees, and rest my head
Praying I can peacefully sleep tonight, hopefully without the help of any meds.

Say what you need to say...

You admire those who keep their feelings inside
You think they're collected and by the rules they abide

No matter what happens, the fake smile never leaves their face
Little do you know, the true delicacy of life they'll never taste

Their feelings exist but to themselves they're never true
They never seize their moments, not one, not even a few

They walk by their lives with many opportunities lost
Because they fear their actions might make them pay high costs

To them, its easier to be safe than risk ever being sorry
While in fact its fear not safety that takes over their story

They fail to make a move, yet make it seem a decision so smart
Which makes you seem like an idiot when you want to follow your heart

It confuses them, how much for the truth you're willing to lose
Ignore them, risk your life for what your heart tells you to choose

Always stay true, though its hard to stay honest, you should try
Say what you need to say, before the moment just passes you by

City of Angels...

Shayfeen el movie?

I was listening to iris, goo goo dolls... oo awal marra i actually listen to the words... and I thought about the movie... An angel wanting to be human, wanting mortality... For love... I wish i could be one of those people who separate movies from reality... But I'm not... I believe in THAT kind of love.. The love depicted in the movie and shared through the words of this song... I refuse to believe that marriage and relationships are ma9ale7 and just a business deal... I will always stay true to myself, a fairytale believer, and i'm never gonna change...

Iris, Goo Goo Dolls:

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I dare you.

Today i was giving some motivational speech to my friend.. And i'm pretty sure it was a great speech... But for once in my life.. en9edamt by her reply..

She said: Do you actually believe eli g3da tgoleena? entayy urself are u met2athra mn hal kalam eli g3da tjarbeen teqne3eeni fee?

me: Yes.. oo I'll do it... I will Do something with my life.. ra7 a7el Moshkelti!


Awal marra eb 7ayati akteshef enni i'm full of shit... walla jadd... Who the hell do i think i am enni a36i advice oo msawya nafsi ana eli fahma edenya.. when in reality i should be looking at the mirror... agol 7g el nass "get over ur problems, rise, kick ur obstacles in the ass, you can do it.. and on and on and on..." While I, Myself, am the laziest person I know 7aleyan...

Bath3af... asawi rejeem bacher
Badres.. La a6ale3 show now adress bacher
Basawi cham meshwar... Wee maykhalef next week
Baro7 i visit yaddi.. la khalas in a couple of days
Baro7 el nadi... hmm chenna mako time elyom? bacher
bagra qesa... hmm chenna mali khelg, tv a7san

LAIN META?! Chan zain a2ajel my meals! chan atleast i accomplish shay! Bss fal7atli "anaaa KENT nerd.. ana KENT sh7elwi... ana KENT helpful... ana KENT and KENT and KENT.." ee lain metaaa 3ad?? magoooooool 7g nafsi ela

GET OVER URSELF!

Why are you SO AFRAID to GET UP and just start living?? Why are you afraid to work to ur full potential...?? (hathi el moshkela.. el potential.. el potential eli maskeeeen mawjood bss ma7ad mlageee wayh!) I'm sick of asking myself hal question 9arlii million senna.. MO LAZEM I GET HAL ANSWER ZAIN!

I'm not gonna say enni yalla i'm starting a new day with a new dream and a new goal and i believe in myself and all that crap! I'm doing one thing...

I'm DARING myself...

I DARE me to lose half my weight!
I DARE me to get a 4.0 on BOTH Courses this year!
I DARE me to fight for a humane cause!

You know why i'm daring myself? Because I never back down from a dare! Because there's nothing i can't do! Not only is this something i "can" do.. This is something I WILL do!

There's a quote by Marianne Williamson that i love...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I believe in what she said...
I believe in myself...
I believe in all of you...

and...

I dare YOU... to challenge yourself, face your fear, and hopefully help me face mine...