There is a single source of light in the darkness that surrounds your helpless body. You're curled up as the pain is restraining your every attempt to move. The bruises, the loss of breath, the ache, the broken parts, and the migraines are only symptoms of a much graver disease. The water doesn't rinse, but infact burns your wounds as it streams down your face. There is no hope nor will there ever be a solution.
You have all been there. I know I have.
The source of light is coming from the laptop you allow to lay beside you while you pretend you're sleeping. The "pain" that keeps you curled up under those covers is a reminder of the wrong decisions you made that placed you in your predicament. The "symptoms" you're feeling are indeed indications of the gravest disease of all, depression. Finally, that voice inside you that reminds you "there's no hope," is the malignant tumor in all of us, that will spread and completely destroy us... If we let it get that far.
IF we let it get that far.
The key to all your problems seems easy, within reach, and very simple. However, I am first to attest its the hardest thing a human can ever do. Nevertheless, it IS the cure.
Letting Go.
For once, I'm not going to lecture you or try to give any advice. I'm here on my own account, for my own reasons, to cure myself from the negativity I have allowed to ruin everything great about who I am. I want to get something off my chest, something I never told even the closest people, to fully let it go... To fully recieve the life that I deserve.
Here it goes...
For nineteen years , I have had a perfect life. I had perfect grades. I had perfect friends. I had a perfect family. You can say I was extremely emotionally spoiled. I'm the youngest of my siblings and my father never failed to treat me like one. Every demand I made was possible. Every cry for attention was heard. Every topic I discussed was taken seriously. Every flaw I had was never seen. My only job was to have morals, be a good friend, join every extracurricular activity, and get the perfect grades.
My father, my hero, my best friend... The man who loved me more than life itself. The man who looked into my eyes like I was his proudest accomplishment...
Two years ago, he was laying helplessly in the hospital. Something changed. He was always angry with me. He was always agitated by my presence. He was short tempered with me. When he was too tired, I was the only one he asked to go home. My mother would call me and say, "uboch ta3ban elyom ma yabi eshof a7ad fa latyeen..." I'd ask if all of my other siblings were there, and they were. I used to massage his feet like he loved for the past million years. He would say, "la 3adi, ukhoch behamezni.."
All I ever had with him was our long conversations and the bond that no one else shared. I wasn't his son that could help him with the intimate things, nor was I his doctor daughter that could help him understand the situation. I was the chatty one and he was too tired to listen. My role was done. One day, I was the pride in his eyes. The next day, I was the kid.
I resented it. I resented that the last feeling my father had toward me was resentment. I was angry at my poor sick fragile father. I began to spend less time at the hospital and more time with my friend's German Shepherds. They were the therapy I needed to help me endure only three hours of torment with my father. My brothers... My sister... They all warned me he was dying soon... That I should spend more time with him and less time with my friends. They said I was being selfish. They didn't understand. It was hard to see him look at me and not be his little girl anymore.
It hit me... That I'm stupid... I decided to spend more hours with him. Little did I know, that it would be the last week.
He looked at me like a helpless child, and said, "You're identicle to me... Kel shay zain ana sawaita eb 7ayati, ashofa feech. 7abeebti ana mo za3lan 3alaich... ana ta3baaan."
The last day, I read Quran out loud for him... He woke up. I said I love you. He nodded and mouthed "me too." He then went into a coma.
I wasted the last two months of our time together... I wasted it being a spoiled child. Nineteen years of my life with him are ruined by the stains of the last two months. I didn't do enough. I didn't help enough. I was so selfish. Why do people think I'm nice? I only think of myself and my own happiness. I neglected the man that dedicated his LIFE for my happiness. I've been carrying this guilt with me everywhere I go. I never celebrate my birthday, nor do I allow myself to fully enjoy anything. Its been paralyzing me from committing, persevering, and ultimately reaching any potential I'm worth.
Until now...
My mother looked at me last night and said... "Laiman uboch kan mareth akher shahrain, allah yur7uma, he was so happy enich you were doing well bel jam3a. Kan 7adda mestanes enich ma tabcheen wetghalgeen. e7eb rab3echh wayed, le2anna kanaw enasonech wekhalonech tadreseen oo tyebeenla akhbar 7elwa.."
I said, "laish uboy kan za3lan 3alay oo ma yabeni ag3ad 3nda wayed methel khwani?"
She said, "Entay kentay dayman his baby. Yadre enich tshofena hero. Ma yabeech tshofena th3eef oo mareeth oo yabchi oo khayef. Kan e7are9 3alaina enich matkonen mawjoda wayed 3ashan ur memory of him tkon a7san."
I know deep down inside, my father loved me more than life itself, even as he took his very last breath... Deep down inside... But every child who has lost a parent, carries this guilt. You can be the perfect child, till the very end, yet still carry this guilt. I can't explain it... But I do want to let it go...
By confessing this personal matter to practically everyone, strangers too, I'm letting go.
I'm keeping the love... But I'm letting go of the resentment, the anger, the confusion, the nightmares, the excuses, the blame, and the guilt...
This is the last thing I will post on this blog. I started it because writing is my therapy... I don't need it anymore because I'm moving on.
My last words....
Let go of the people who broke your hearts
Let go of the people you miss but are gone
Let go of the possessions you lost and will never find again
Let go of the anger and bitterness you feel toward people
Forgive... Let go of despair... Hold on to faith...
Its the only cure.
