Wednesday, January 28, 2009

If life is but a nightmare... This is mine...


It was Five pm… I was done with my classes and ate lunch… It was the time I usually got in my car and headed to my daily destination… I entered the building and my soul felt darkness… It was the same darkness I felt every time I stepped into this gloomy building… I despised every corner of the hallways I was passing… It felt like I was walking for a lifetime.. No matter how short the hall was, it was still too long… I wanted to reach there faster… After the two longest minutes of my day, the door was finally within sight. It was the same door that disclosed both the happiest part of my life as well as the part that was going to ruin what was left of me… Forever…

I took a deep breath, mustered up hardly any courage I had, and entered the room…
He smiled, that beautiful smile… Even though he had lost all that weight.. He was still the most handsome man I had ever laid eyes on… I kissed his forehead and gave him a soft hug, soft enough to avoid hurting his fragile body. I took out some cream, spread it on his legs, and began to massage them… He was too drained to speak.. All he could do at that crucial time was nod and smile. Suddenly, he broke my heart into tiny little pieces…

Him: baba… tadren shkether 7asanat g3da taaakhtheen al7en?

Me: yubba! Enta tadre eni a7eb ahamzek…

Him: (looking at me.. Smiling.. His eyes tearing up… staring at me… as if to memorize my features) Tadren ena entay mn bdd khwaanech.. Ur identical to me… entayyy neskheti…. You’re everything that I am… You’re everything that I wanted to be…

I went to hold his hands… He looked at my sister… Who was holding his other hand… silently crying…

Him: (talking to my sister) entay kentay ajmal shay shefta eb 7ayatii laiman enwaladtay…

Sister: (breaking down) yubbaa laaatmoooot!! Allaaaaaahhh ykhaleeekk…

He smiled… Looked at us both… Kissed both our hands… he was smiling that smile… That smile that told us not to worry… That everything was going to be okay… That he loved us more than life itself…

My sister left…

Me: yubba… You have to fight… Lazem you resist it…

Him: (he smiled and his eyes said it all… It said that even though he was terrified… it was time to go…)

Me: yubba tell me what you’re feeling?

Him: ta3baaan…

Me: Do you feel that you’re going to die?

Him: (he nods..)

I slept every night… Resisting any negative thought. He was going to live… He was going to be alive… He was going to be there like he promised… Then a month passed… And he lost his ability to speak… We communicated through nods and smiles and cries and sighs… We eventually decided to let him write what he wanted to say… My siblings and mother were next to him.. We were kissing him and joking around… He took the pen and wrote:

Bssssskum kisses…

Me: Ma tabiii nbooosek??

He wrote: Hahahahaha

He was Joking!!! We burst out laughing… That was SO like him…

He was falling more heavily asleep… He began to sleep a lot… The days were so scary… The nights were so hopeless… All we ever wanted was to hear his voice… One more time…
Unexpectedly, on a Tuesday afternoon while he was sleeping… He called my mother’s name….

Him: 7ayati…

Mom: (shocked and hurriedly went to his side) 7abeeeeeeeebbi….

Him: deeray balech 3ala banati…

Mom: (a tear drops on her cheek.. For the man who was her everything for the past 34 years)

Him: 7abeebti…

Mom: ya 7abeebii amer!!

Him: bacher ana weyachh.. Bnetqada bro7naa.. Abi *********** (his favorite dish)…

He was speaking in his sleep… He wasn’t even able to eat or drink anything for the past three months. He lived on the IV drips. Wednesday morning, I woke up at 8 am… I wasn’t in the mood to go to my morning class.. Since I was ditching, I decided to go to the hospital. It was the first time in three months that I went there at that time in the day… I kissed his forehead… Read him Quran.. Asked him if he wanted water. He nodded… I helped him drink the water and kissed his cheek…

Me: Love you;* (he smiled)

Faj2a…. All my siblings came to the hospital… They all weren’t in the mood to go to dawam…. The doctor came in, checked on him… Looked at us…

Doctor: You all understand how hard this is for me to say… But you all wanted me to say the truth… Since the beginning… Your father has entered a coma.. His body will move… His eyes will open… It might seem that he’s listening to you.. But he’s not… I’m so sorry…

One minute my dad was there… The other minute he was gone… (In a coma)

Everyone came to the hospital… All my uncles, cousins, father’s friends… For he had forbidden them from the burden of seeing him in that condition… I went home at 11 pm… Though I didn’t sleep, I closed the lights and lay there… blacking out anything that could SUGGEST I live my life without my dad!

Brother: wake up.. Wake up…

Me: Shesaaalfa??? Esa3aa chammmm??

Brother: Esa3a 2 el fayer… yalla bawadeech el Mustashfaaa..

Me: Uboooy fee shay????

Brother: laa bss ta3ban…

I reached the hospital… Went upstairs… I knew it… He was gone… I passed the images of my brothers, cousins, uncles…. Kanaw met’lathmeen.. Bss their eyes stabbed my heart with poisonous daggers… A flashback of my childhood with my dad… Our long talks.. Our memories… The hugs… The kisses… The protectiveness… The sense of completeness… The walks… and mostly… The existence of the most amazing creature that ever lived… My beloved father… I held him one more time… I couldn’t cry… No tears were going to escape the prison that my body had became… I kissed my peaceful dad and whispered into his ears one last time…

“You will always be the number one man in my life…”

I sent a msg to one of my best friends: He’s gone…

No longer than two hours later… They began to arrive… My best friends… They didn’t speak a single word… They were just there… I laid and placed my head on my friend’s lap… I closed my eyes and found no words to express how I felt… For I had lost a piece of me when I lost my dad… A piece that left when he left… A piece that won’t ever come back… A piece that made me who I was… But I knew that everything was going to be okay… “el 7emdela…” I say… Because Allah ra7 e3aweth…

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Pat yourself on the back.. You've become just another hypocrite..

((بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم))
إِنَّ الْمُنَافِقِينَ يُخَادِعُونَ اللّهَ وَهُوَ خَادِعُهُمْ وَإِذَا قَامُواْ إِلَى الصَّلاَةِ قَامُواْ كُسَالَى يُرَآؤُونَ النَّاسَ وَلاَ يَذْكُرُونَ اللّهَ إِلاَّ قَلِيلاً
((صدق الله العظيم))

“Surely the hypocrites strive to deceive Allah, and He shall requite their deceit to them, and when they stand up to prayer they stand up sluggishly; they do it only to be seen of men and do not remember Allah save a little. (The Women 4.142)”
Initially, I would like to begin by admitting that even though I never ever miss one single prayer, I'm very fast... Because I can't miss any prayer, it has become a part of my daily routine rather than 5 minutes to actually talk to Allah (sub7ana wa ta3ala..) Mako khushoo3 oo hal shay wayed emthayegni and I really want to fix it...
Hypocrites... Many of the readers will argue with me because they DO believe in privacy.. First of all, so do I... I believe (وإذا بُليتم فاستتروا)... When you do something, especially when its wrong, keep it to your self... When you find out something about other people, keep it to your self....
However, what I despise is when people do wrong things and ACT infront of people like its the WORST thing in the world, just to make everyone aware that they would never do such thing...
Case 1: While chatting with friends, I would defend love marriages, even though at the time I was just a seventeen yearold kid who never even considered knowing a guy.. Then this girl (who at the time has already been in 3 relationships) would say --> UMBAIII BANAT EKALMON!!! hathaaill maaaa yadrooon enna eliiii ekaaalemhaaaaa gaaa3eddd ege9 3alaaaiha?!? a9laaan Lo wa7ed e7ebhaa chann he came from the door oo kha6abha!!....
She made ME seem like the bad one... Although SHE was the one with the boyfriend...
Case 2: (another girl I know who used to be in a serious relationship when she was nineteen)... She turned 24 and got engaged in a traditional way... Then when girls asked her how being engaged felt like, she said:: waaaayhhhh wanaasaa Finally agdar akalem.. i've been waiting for so long...
What on earth??? NO ONE ASKED YOU IF YOU HAD A PAST!! Why el film laish??
Case 3: Parents allow their daughters to go with girls based on how appropriatley dressed they are, how supposedly strict their parents are..etc. If they somehow heard that the girl has a past... she's a definite NO NO! I agree with parents.. They love their daughters.. They don't want them to be negatively influenced.. But if the friend was an american girl, who used to go to school with your daughters.. She's your daughter's friend and they want to go out... Would U, a mother, say no?
I think not.... why? Because she's American.. She's not Muslim... She's not a bad person, even if there is a chance she goes clubbing, drinks, has one night stands... (Not suggesting they do all that.. just stating some possibilities) Why isnt it bad? Because she's from a different society...
What do I call that... Hypocrisy!
- Parents preach to their children about right and wrong... Then only hold their daughters accountable for their actions.
- A girl is abnormal if she thinks a soccer player on TV is hot... bss when her brother watches rated r scenes, shegolon? --> ee ba3ad he's a guy.. its bound to happen.
- Oprah talking about kegel exercises--> MUFEEED... Fozeya drai3 talking about sex--> QALELAT ADAB...
- A Kuwaiti guy falls in love with a european girl... accepts her past... accepts her mistakes... accepts her differences... tolerates her religion... Same guy falls for a kuwaiti girl, Oh kalemat wa7ed... la maaaagdar! SHLON ANA RAYAL ARTHA!!! tolerate her differences? I don't think so.. I have to think etha badu 7athar senna she3a etc.
- Girls who have done so many things with their boyfriends call other girls bad names... Why? le2anna 7alal 3alaihum oo 7aram 3ala ghairhum...
I have standards... morals... limits... No matter where I am... But I believe that every one on this planet has a story...
I'm not advocating bad behavior... Not at all... In fact I'm against it completely.. To be honest, I've observed this group of three girls... One of them is very honest about her rendezvous.. The other two girls appear to be very appropriate but in real life, they're really wilder than their friend. Ironically, the two "conservative looking" girls talk behind eachother's back all the time. They try to influence people all the time. They are not loyal whatsoever. The openly active one however, is very sweet and never talked about anyone.. She did her thing and made sure she didn't harm anyone but herself.
Its your choice to be their friend or not, to criticize them or not... We all choose to be around those who make us most comfortable... However its not your choice to mock others, to judge them, and most importantly, to think that you are better than them when you do the same things they do but secretly... That just makes you a hypocrite! Atleast they are honest and admit their mistakes... Atleast THEY feel sorry and try to teach others by sharing their bad experiences... Atleast they don't lie and trick you to be their friend... The way hypocrites do....

Monday, January 26, 2009

I'm here edwaard!! I'M HERE!!!!!

Stephanie Meyer! I hope you're very happy that my life has NO MEANING anymore!

People.. Sheft el movie THREE times!!! ooo KEL marra the Edward effect gaaa3ed ezeeed! Shloooon e6aaale3haa!!! GOD shlooon e6aaale3ha!! His piercing eyes! Shlonn intense.. Shlon he's protective.. wayhhhhhhh... Me and Sobo (my friend) have been to it three times.. and kel marra en9eer more violent 3ala ba3ath whenever something e3aqed happens (which was pratically the whole time) Please golooli enna no one exists methlaa.. cuz etha fe love chethi... Where the hell have I been the past TWENTY years!!!!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

I wish I could erase your Existence...

Regret… Is it just sadness and disappointment? For some people it is that simple… For others, its sadly way beyond the feeling of remorse.

Did you ever meet someone and regret the day you ever acknowledged their existence?
To some of us, we might regret meeting a person because they caused us pain and made us waste our precious time filling us with doubt and insecurities… In this case, we regret being the victim…

However, my concern is with those of you who have befriended people who made you do things that no one in their right mind would do.. They made you lose the morals you’ve been raised by and building for years, in one tiny second.. You feel like you want earth to crumble and swallow you in… At times you forget about it because you keep yourself busy… But reality always comes back uninvited.. If you feel this way, let me tell you this..

A Life without any regrets does not exist! You CANNOT avoid it! Bsss…. Its in your hands to turn your regrets from burdens that impede your future and happiness, into motivation to move on with your life..

1) Find out what you really regret. Was is something beyond your control? Did you hurt someone? It is important to put your feelings aside and ask yourself to identify the REAL problem..

2) If you hurt someone.. Ask for their forgiveness, even if they don’t believe you committed a mistake. Forgive yourself.. And forgive whoever was responsible for influencing you into your bad habits.

3) Don’t hold a grudge. Accept responsibility and promise yourself to better handle such situations in the future.

4) Deal with the harmful relationships with people that make you do things that leave you with serious regrets. If you have done so already, be proud that you already took the biggest step to heal yourself from the guilt trips.

People;*** No matter what your mistakes encompass… they can be salvaged and fixed if you really feel sorry… Those same mistakes you made can be used to help others avoid them. Its in your hands to pay it forward. So use your experience to help your little brothers and sisters, nephews and nieces, and most importantly, your children. You can save a kid who has made the same mistake because you’ll be there to understand, to give hope… We are humans. Our life won’t ever consist straight perfect lines. It will have curves and rough edges and bumps. We have faults and flaws and we all commit one sin or the other.. Give yourself a break… No one is here to judge, just to love;**

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Friends Forever??

We were all raised with our cousins... Raised like brothers and sisters.. We loved eachother.. We never did anything without eachother.. Then we grew up.... Then... We changed....

Its only natural that people change when they grow up... And along with that, their paths change as well... You can't force someone to do something that isn't part of their plan just for the sake of your relationship... Its only natural... But the LOVE is still there...

Hatha kela 6abee3i.. bss The new trend these days is the sudden jealousy of cousins. Ironically, it all starts when they reach the age of marriage.. All of my friends used to be really close with their cousins... until faj2a... their cousins started giving them the cold shoulder..

Example (1) --> Bride to be: Laa Laaa You don't have to tekshekheeen tra 7afletiii ma feha elaa bss e7na oo our cousins... Faj2a umat mu7amad and the girl wasn't prepared because they told her it wasn't a big party..

Example (2) --> The girls were raised together as sisters... all six of them... then 4 of them got engaged and started to ignore the other two... and after being best best best friends for 19 years of their lives... how do they find out enna Banat khalat'hum enkha6baw,,,,????? mnn el MSG!!! as in 7alhum mn 7al strangers...

Example (3)--> The mother of the bride: LATGOLEN 7gg a7add shbetsaween bel 3ers tesme3eeni?? akhaff ebogooon our ideas.... Then the mother of the other cousin eli mo makh6ooba:: SHEFTAYY?? sheftaaayyy Shlonn banat 3amech kelhum tezaawejaww ela entayy ya 7athii.. lebsaaay lebsaaay elaa et9eeereeeeen a7laaaaa mn el 3arooooss!!

Example (4) --> a guy proposed to a girl.. she didn't accept... He proposed to her cousin... She accepts... Suddenly... 3adawa bainhum....

Example (5) --> Girl: UMBAI I have to graduate with better grades.. I have to Go to Med school... (her friend): laish med? since when do you like med? (girl): HELLO since bent 3ametii got accepted into harvard!! oo bent khalti just khale9at CFA level 2.. oo bent 3ami is valedictorian of her class.... Tadreeeen Shkether ummi oo uboyyy lay3a chabdhum meni??

Example (6) --> Raised together for fifteen years... basically live in eachother's houses... suddenly.. reached the age of 20... el gherooor madre mn wain... suddenly their cousins only befriend certain "types" of people... Suddenly everything 3ndehum "halaga" oo "wain ga3deen"...


Come on people...

Mothers, slow down 3ala your daughters... If your daughter is getting married.. You should be happy and realize that its so much more fullfilling to have people happy for your daughter than it is to have them jealous... If your daughter isn't married, don't pressure her... This is the prime of her life.. She's young.. she has friends.. she loves her life..

Cousins, lat9eroon jealous... Remember the memories you had with your cousins, your childhood, your whole past.. Our history is what made us who we are in the present.. Don't let your parents compare you and create this hatred... If you grow to have different views, avoid fights.. but never let it reach jealousy...

For el banat eli fqedaw el amaaal mn their cousins (Like many people I know)... Look around at your friends... I personally am shocked by what jealousy has done to cousins.. but i realized that allah sub7ana e3aweth... Your girlfriends can replace your cousins... They're your sisters, your soulmates....

Everyone says a husband is the most important thing in the world.. Your family (cousins, blood relatives) is the most important thing in the world... Your Future is the most important thing in the world.. Don't give up those things for "friends"...

Well... When your husband/boyfriend breaks your heart... Isn't it your friend that puts the pieces back together?

When your cousins confuse you and betray you... isn't it your friend that brings you the bucket of ice cream to make you smile..

When you get fired and your future takes a different turn... isnt't it your friend that tells you "its okay... Where ever your future may take you, I'm right there next to you..."

Never underestimate friendship... its the most captivating thing this world offers...

Monday, January 19, 2009

Can you spell "Intimidation?" Anyone..

Imagine this situation...

I'm out with my girlfriends to study for our exams... My friend (amoosh) and I were in a table alone nadress... and My other friend (sobo) was sitting b3eeeeeeed studying alone.. Then comes along a woman (late twenties) with her husband/boyfriend... looking VERY suspicious... They sit next to Sobo! Fifteen minutes later... Sobo got up to order something... The wife et6ale3ha mn fog laih ta7aaat... then.... THEN... SABAT'HA!! JEDAMI... She saw me look at her... then looked away guiltily...

What the hell?! Okay okay.. There are some sick single girls that try to flirt with "taken men".. Bss Sobo 7adha not one of them.. I mean.. training pants , oversized shirt.. uggs.. her hair in a stupid bun mn 9ba7 allaah khair... NOT even a single makeup product touched her face that day... I admit it... if someone can pull off the natural look... it would definitely be sobo! beauty mashalla... bss SO what! This situation happens over and over and over again...

As soon as married women walk by, they suddenly hold on to their husband's arms and show pda out of NO where...

For those married girls out there who walk eb theqa, and smile every once in a while, good for you... You know what you are and what you're worth...

As for those of you who stare up and down and show your bad side... Please understand that We're not all here to dethrown you... Your actions don't scare us.. They only show how intimidated you are by us...

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Gaza... Why on earth should I care?

Gaza… We’ve been endlessly hearing this two syllable word.. Getting sick of it? I mean.. okay.. We feel sorry for them.. But why on earth should we care?? That’s the question..
Being Kuwaiti, Your loyalty is first and foremost dedicated to Kuwait, isn’t it? And akeed no one will ever get over what happened nineteen years ago. And lets face it. Facts say that Palestine ma wgefaw weyana bel qazu.. So why should we care?
This is for the people who feel bad about Gaza, but don’t care enough… This is for those people who are simply indifferent.. For people who were exactly like me… Until a wise friend of mine told me this..
“Get out of Kuwait… Get out of this continent.. Get out of this planet… Look at earth from afar… and look at the big big big picture…”
Those are women who are going back home, only to find all their children dead.. These are men who are raised to protect their mothers, sisters, and daughters.. Only come home to find them gone.. One after the other…
Imagine yourself bel kwait.. Your nanny waking you up, your breakfast ready for you, talbeson lehdoom elii entaw shareenha 3ala kaifkum, grabbing your car keys, going to dawamkum bel jam3a, laughing with your girlfriends, studying with them, hanging out with them, dressing up and going out to have fun… The opportunities you’re given to be educated, to work, to gain power and knowledge… The laughs, the memories… Can you imagine being stripped from all of that..?
Those human beings have lost their homes, their clothes, their food, their friends, their families… and the most horrific thing, their freedom… all in the blink of an eye…
Lazem kelena ngol El 7emdela enna e7na 3aysheeen bel kwait… allah ya7feth’ha oo ya7fethkum;** oo allah y3eenhum… Don’t be indifferent.. Care about them… Don’t just feel bad.. Care about them.. Even by just simply reading news about them.. Even by just sending them a couple of outfits you even forgot you owned.. Even by just feeling sympathy…
Captivated à the Reason behind the name of this blog:
This post is dedicated to this wise friend, who opened my eyes about gaza… Thank you, for I am captivated by every word you ever say;**

Saturday, January 17, 2009

New...

All these miles that separate.. disappear now when i'm dreaming of your face, I'm here without you baby, you're still on my lonely mind...

I miss you daddy.. SO much.. You can't imagine how much my life changed.. I knew you were sick but I never imagined that I would go on this life without you... When I talked to you.. You told me.. latkhafeen 3alay 7abeeebti.. ma ra7 e9eer feni shay.. ra7 asheel 3yaaalech enshalla .. and now you're gone.. its almost a year later.. and I'm okay.. I just miss you so much.. I miss my best friend.. The number one man in my life.. My role model.. My everything.. Bss I wish you could know that i'm okay.. that my friends took care of me, they picked up all my broken pieces and put me back together.. that my grades are great.. that i drive now.. finally lol,, we all love you;**

I'm So new at this.. madre shesalfa.. eheheh bss jadd.. these blogs i've been reading.. specially chicken soup for the kuwaiti soul.. liivingmyliife.. umm oo SO much more.. walla it was so much fun.. oo i've been meaning to start a blog for a really really long time.... its taqreban 5:06 in the morning oo waray deraasa e9eb7.. Oo enshalla they'll be better posts next time.. nom el 3awaafi for every sane person sleeping ;**